Archive for the 'Relationships & Family' Category

Obama Girl, Eat Your Heart Out!

Posted July 14, 2008 * Comments(0)

Barack Obama was coming to my hometown, Colorado Springs, Colorado. It had only been two days earlier that I learned he was here to do fundraising and talk to an invitation-only crowd of people in a city that is known for its conservatism, large military presence, and fundamental Christian population. I told myself I had 48 hours to find an invitation. My efforts to contact people began instantly. My tenacity was relentless, but no amount of persistence seemed to change the responses I was getting, which were, “I’m sorry, I want to help but I simply can’t”…

The day of the event arrived and I still did not have an invitation to the event. That particular day of work, my boss told me to dress down because we’d be getting carpets ready for cleaning.

Readying my hair, I looked at myself in the mirror, and that’s when the conversation with myself began. “Dianne, you aren’t giving up now, are you?!”

“Why in God’s name should I have any hope left at all? Today’s the day of the event, I don’t even know what time he’s speaking, I don’t have an invitation, and anyone who’s connected with the event is certainly not sitting at a desk thinking about contacting me!” I shouted back at myself.

“Dianne…has Barack taught you nothing at all about hope?” I retorted.

So, without a reason for hoping, I began to once again. I decided I better take to work with me a nice dress, shoes and jewelry, just in case. I then called for my girls. “Girls! Guess what? I’m going to see Barack Obama today!”

I must have been quite convincing because my 10-year-old said, “Oh my gosh, Mom! When did you get a invitation!”

I enthusiastically said, “I didn’t!” Her face fell.

“Thennnn, how are you going to see him today?” she asked.

I told them, “Because I just am, that’s how!” Oh, how the grins returned to their faces, for they knew what Mommy was up to. “Now I want you to say,’ Mommy is going to see Barack Obama today!’ three times.”

They said, “Mommy is going to see Barack Obama today. Mommy is going to see Barack Obama today. MOMMY IS GOING TO SEE BARACK OBAMA TODAY.”

It was TRIPLE stamped!

I drove to work, with my dress confidently riding in back, and arrived in Manitou Springs at 9 a.m.

My boss knew how disappointed I was to not be attending the event, so she began to console me by telling me about the other times I might be able to see him. I tried to remain upbeat as the minutes ticked by. By 10 a.m. and no miracle in sight, I admit, I was even worrying about the triple stamp.

But then….

A call came in at 10:15. a.m. It was a woman whom I had been e-mailing back and forth about the event. She had been so very kind and helpful to me, even though getting me an invitation was beyond her abilities. She simply said, “Dianne, here’s the deal. He’s speaking at UCCS at 11 a.m. When you get there, you can try to get in on a stand by basis (there is only room for 400). But you better go right now.” I thanked her profusely and then did a “Superman” quick change and was out the door.

I got to UCCS, they showed me where to park, I walked right toward where the event was and told the security I was on stand by. With no hassle, they gave me a ticket to fill out. It was totally surreal. My hands were trembling. Security wanded me over and then said, “Go right on in, Miss.”

It just couldn’t be true, but there I was, at the event. I found one lone seat in the far back. When he came out, my entire body got goose bumps. His speech was outstanding. My eyes and ears drank in every precious moment.

Afterwards, he moved to the inner circle of the crowd. I’m not really sure how I did this, but I snaked my way near the front where he was shaking people’s hands.
I think it was my height that helped me out. As he got nearer to me, I stretched out my hand as far as it could go. He saw my arm first, then me. Then he took my hand and shook it. I looked him straight in the eye and said “Hello, I’m Dianne Perea.”

He said, “It’s nice to meet you, Dianne,” and off he went.

I shouted out, “Are you going to the top of Pikes Peak?” His eyes twinkled, but he stayed focused on who he was meeting and on his momentum toward others.

Seeing Obama and shaking his hand was the most exhilarating experience of my life. He is bright, warm, magnetic, inspirational, and has those eyes that say, “I really want to be here, I really want to engage with you, I really want to help all of you.” There is nothing “politician-like” about him.

I can see why he is so good at community organization. He draws you in and instantly ignites a passion inside you to be a part of something larger than you, something that seems impossible, but made probable because of the efforts of the people. He makes you want to be a part of a movement that is changing the world for the better. He makes you want to be the best you you can be.

July 2 will be forever known as “Barack Obama Day” for me. When I talk to my kids about this, I tell them the moral of the story is treat everyone kindly, no matter what, because that’s just the right thing to do. And never give up your hopes and dreams.

To the forces and the people that made this happen, I thank you a thousand times.

Share This

Child Support

Posted May 9, 2008 * Comments(0)

Just the mention of child support conjures up images of lawyers, judges, and endless legal expenses. Nevertheless, of all the considerations in a divorce none equals the importance of determining the correct amount of child support.

Some divorcing couples come to an agreement on child support. It is always best to seek legal advice from an attorney before entering into such an arrangement. For those that do not agree, a court must determine the amount to be paid. Most jurisdictions have a formula that the court applies. Some Judges consider one third of the paying parent’s gross income plus an additional $150.00 to $200.00 for each additional child per month as a minimum.

The amount to be paid is not clearly stated in child support laws. The law simply states the child must be maintained in the style to which it is accustomed. It is this vague pronouncement in the law that leaves parents and some Judges pondering the amount of child support to award.

Once the amount of child support has been determined, by agreement or court order, there arises the question of collection and enforcement. Many resources exist to facilitate the collection of child support. The parents may agree between themselves and have the non-custodial parent authorize a bank transfer once a month. Alternatively, the child support-paying parent may send the payments by other means. The court may order the paying parent to send the payments to the court and the court will forward the payments to the custodial parent. Some states require that payments be sent to the Child Support Enforcement Agency for that state if the custodial parent is receiving public assistance.

If the child support agreement is in default, the custodial parent may attempt collection by several processes. The first is to speak with the parent in default. If this does not resolve the problem then the next step would be to retain a professional (i.e. lawyer, child support enforcement agency, etc.).

Most states have authorized the State Attorney General to enforce child support payments. The Child Support Enforcement Division of the State Attorney General’s Office has numerous tools at its disposal to encourage compliance with child support orders.

The office of the Attorney General may bring a civil suite in state court for the collection of child support owed. The Attorney General’s office has the power to suspend any license issued by the state to the parent in default, including driver’s licenses. In extreme cases, the Attorney General may move the court proceedings from civil to criminal court. The non-complying parent runs the risk of being charged with “Criminal Non-Support”. In most states, this charge is a felony punishable with jail time in the state penitentiary.

Many people think of child support as punishment for the non-custodial parent. This is far, far from the truth. Firstly, child support is meant to provide a certain measure of food, clothing and shelter for the child. Secondly, child support is intended to keep children off public assistance and thereby easing the burden on taxpayers.

The parent receiving the child support payments is, by definition, in a fiduciary position. Great care must be exercised to ensure that the funds are expended only for the benefit of the beneficiary.

At the minimum, a custodial parent seeking child support should consult with an attorney. At the first consultation, the parent should bring the following:

* Birth record of the child(ren)

* Prima fascia evidence of paternity (marriage document or birth record)

* Name and current address of absent parent

* Current place of employment of absent parent

* Social Security Number of absent parent

* A DNA test should be requested if the child was born out of wedlock

Every child deserves a loving caring family. Sometimes that is not possible. At the least, the child should have a safe, warm place to sleep and healthy nutritious food. To this end child support exists.

““““““““““““““““““““““““`

Pancho Villa - a bleeding heart liberal Revolutionary. Work with nature - plant a tree for more oxygen and less pollution. Save $$ on gas here

Share This

Magical Mother’s Day Reminder #2 - Mother’s Day Flowers, Mother’s Day Cards, and Other Mother’s Day Gifts Are Not the True Essence of Mother’s Day

Posted May 9, 2008 * Comments(0)

Anna May Jarvis - Mothers Day Image

Photo of Anna May Jarvis - Founder of Mother’s Day

As much as I loved my mother Violet Zelinski, it will come as a surprise to some people that over the years I didn’t buy her Mother’s Day flowers, Mother’s Day cards, or Mother’s Day candy for Mother’s Day. I did buy her dinner, however, and spent quality time with her every Mother’s Day. Perhaps you should do likewise every Mother’s Day. 

Truth be known, you don’t have to feel guilty about not buying Mother’s Day gifts, Mother’s Day flowers, or Mother’s Day cards to help your mother celebrate Mother’s Day. Not buying your mother cards, flowers, or candy to help her celebrate this special event is not about being stingy and saving yourself a few bucks, however. There is a much better reason. We have to go back to the origins of Mother’s Day to place this in proper perspective.

Anna May Jarvis was just two weeks shy of forty-two, working for a life insurance company in Philadelphia, when her mother (Mrs. Anna Reese Jarvis) died on May 9, 1905. It was the second Sunday of the month. The next year Anna May Jarvis made her life goal to see her mother and motherhood honored annually throughout the world. Jarvis felt children often neglected to appreciate their mother enough while she was still alive. She hoped Mother’s Day would increase respect for parents and strengthen family bonds.

Two years after her mother’s death, Anna Jarvis and her friends began a letter-writing campaign to gain the support of influential ministers, businessmen, and congressmen in declaring a national Mother’s Day holiday. In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson signed a proclamation from the U.S. Congress to establish the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day forevermore.

Ironically, the commercialization of the day she had founded in honor of motherhood - today it is the biggest business day of the year for U.S. restaurants and flower shops - was not what Anna May Jarvis had envisioned. Jarvis wanted people to spend a lot of quality time with their mothers and let their mothers know how special they were.

Sadly, Jarvis, who never married and was never a mother herself, retired from her job at the insurance company to spend her remaining thirty-four years, and her entire fortune of over $100,000, campaigning against the commercialization of Mother’s Day.

Whenever she could, Anna May Jarvis would speak out. She was known to crash florists’ conventions to express her distaste for their “profiteering” from Mother’s Day. Eventually too old to continue her campaign, she ended up deaf and blind - not to mention penniless - in a West Chester, Pennsylvania, sanitarium, where she died in November 1948 at the age of eighty-four.

“Why not give your mother Mother’s Day flowers, Mother’s Day cards, or Mother’s Day candy?” you may ask. “Flowers,” declared Jarvis, “are about half dead by the time they’re delivered.” As for candy, Jarvis advised, “Mother’s Day has nothing to do with candy. Candy is junk. You give your mother a box of candy and then go home and eat most of it yourself.”

“Then what’s wrong with Mother’s Day cards?” you may add. Jarvis felt that “a maudlin, insincere printed card or a ready-made telegram means nothing except that you’re too lazy to write to the woman who has done more for you than anyone else in the world.”

Tell your mother the truth about Mother’s Day and you won’t have to spend money on Mother’s Day flowers, Mother’s Day candy, or Mother’s Day cards to help her celebrate her special event of the year. Heck, you don’t even have to buy her a copy of one of my books as a Mother’s Day gift. You should, however, make her a special gourmet dinner or take her out to a fine restaurant. Don’t cheap out!

Most important, you should spend a lot of quality time with your mother on Mother’s Day. She will appreciate this immensely. What’s more, if she were still living today, Anna May Jarvis would be so pleased that you celebrate the second Sunday of May with your mother in the essence and the true spirit of Mother’s Day!

Some Statistics Regarding Mother’s Day - Why Mothers Day Needs Rethinking

  • In the United States, there are about 82.5 million mothers. (source: US Census Bureau)
  • According to Hallmark, about 96 percnet of American consumers take part in some way in Mother’s Day.
  • Mother’s Day is one of the most commercially successful U.S. occasions.
  • According to the National Restaurant Association, Mother’s Day is now the most popular day of the year to dine out at a restaurant in the United States.
  • Retailers report that Mother’s Day is the second highest gift-giving holiday in the United States (Christmas is the highest).
  • Different countries celebrate Mother’s Day on various days of the year because the day has a number of different origins.
  • In most countries, Mother’s Day is a new concept copied from western civilization.
  • Nine years after the first official Mother’s Day, commercialization of the U.S. holiday became so rampant that Anna Jarvis - who was most instrumental in the founding of Mother’s Day - herself became a major opponent of Mother’s Day Flowers, Mother’s Day Candy, Mother’s Day Cards, and Mother’s Day Gifts.
NOTE: The above article is adapted from the chapter called Flowers, Cards, and Candy Are Not the Essence of Mother’s Day! in the book 101 Really Important Things You Already Know, But Keep Forgetting (Vipbooks, 2007) by Ernie Zelinski. The book is dedicated to Ernie’s mother Violet Zelinski (Waselyna Gordychuk) who passed away while Ernie was writing the latest edition of the book. 

Following are four photos of Ernie’s mother Violet Zelinski:

Mother's Day Image - Violet Zelinski

Mothers Day Image of Violet Zelinski

Mother's Day Violet Zelinski

Violet Zelinski 

    #1 of Top-Ten Quotes about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day 

    Hundreds of dewdrops to greet the dawn,
    Hundreds of bees in the purple clover,
    Hundreds of butterflies on the lawn,
    But only one mother the wide world over.
    - George Cooper

    #2 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day

    A mother’s happiness is like a beacon, lighting up the future but reflected also on the past in the guise of fond memories.
    - Honoré de Balzac

    #3 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day

    A father may turn his back on his child, brothers and sisters may become inveterate enemies, husbands may desert their wives, wives their husbands. But a mother’s love endures through all.
    - Washington Irving

    #4 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day

    My mother is a poem
    I’ll never be able to write,
    though everything I write
    is a poem to my mother.
    - Sharon Doubiago

    #5 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day

    One good mother is worth a hundred schoolmasters.
    - George Herbert

    #6 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day

    There’s nothing like a mama-hug.
    - Adabella Radici

    #7 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day

    Who ran to help me when I fell,
    And would some pretty story tell,
    Or kiss the place to make it well?
    My mother.
    - Ann Taylor

    #8 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day

    Mother - that was the bank where we deposited all our hurts and worries.
    - T. DeWitt Talmage

    #9 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day

    Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children.
    - William Makepeace Thackeray

    #10 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day

    I miss thee, my Mother! Thy image is still
    The deepest impressed on my heart.
    - Eliza Cook

Also See The True Spirit of Mother’s Day and Thank Your Mother a Lot While She Is Still Alive!

Download the Free E-book of 101 Really Important Things You Already Know, But Keep Forgetting with 17 free chapters at Ernie Zelinski’s Creative Free E-Books Website.

Mothers Day Gift Image

Purchase 101 Really Important Things You Already Know, But Keep Forgetting (Vipbooks) at:

or:

Share This

Magical Mothers Day Reminder - Thank Your Mother a Lot While She Is Still Alive!

Posted May 9, 2008 * Comments(0)
Regardless of their age, the large majority of mothers care for their children in a thousand little ways that their children tend to take for granted. Unfortunately, most of us don’t realize how much our mothers mean to us until they are no longer around. We may thank them on Mother’s Day with a card and some Mother’s Day flowers and that is about all. Of course, there are many people who truly appreciate their mothers and express their gratitude for them.   

Given that my mother Violet Zelinski passed away while I was writing 101 Really Important Things You Already Know, But Keep Forgetting (Vipbooks, 2007), from which this article is excerpted, allow me to share how I never got to express my love and appreciation for her as much as I would have liked. On the first Sunday of February 2007 I was contemplating whether I should go to a musical performance at our local jazz club. I gave consideration to the fact that on the previous Sunday I had not visited my mother, which I had done virtually every Sunday for almost twenty years. Thus, I decided to skip the musical performance.

I picked up some items from a local supermarket deli and headed over to my mother’s apartment. This particular Sunday my sister, Elaine, and her husband, Lorne, also showed up and we had an enjoyable dinner together. Later I noticed that my mother was wheezing after she climbed a flight of stairs. She also complained about how her legs had gotten really stiff lately.

Even so, I would later find out that my mother told others that she had a great day, because my sister, my brother-in-law, and I had visited her. What’s more, earlier in the day, just as my mother was about to call my brother, Kenny, she received a call from him. The call was special to my mother because my brother lives outside the city and only visted her once or twice a year.

As it turned out, this was the last Sunday dinner that I enjoyed with my mother. You can imagine how fortunate I felt that I had skipped the musical performance. Two days later I called my mother to ask her how she was doing. She complained of severe headaches that wouldn’t respond to Tylenol. Later in the evening my sister and her husband drove my mother to the hospital. The doctors decided to keep her for two or three days because of her low oxygen level but they didn’t think it was anything serious.

On Wednesday afternoon when I visited my mother at the hospital, I was stunned to find out that the doctors had diagnosed her with acute leukemia. The head doctor indicated that she could live for several months if they gave her blood transfusions and chemo drugs along with morphine. Needless to say, I left the hospital in somewhat of a daze.

That evening I decided that I would visit my mother at least once every day until she passed away. I also decided to get a nice black book in which I would write down all the special things that I wanted to thank her for. I was also going to encourage other people to write in the black book all the things that they liked about my mother.

As fate would have it, the next day my mother took a turn for the worse. The doctor phoned early in the morning and indicated she had only a few days left with her likely losing mental capabilities in a day or two. Soon after I got to the hospital, I decided that I should bring my mother’s best friend, Mary Leshchyshyn, to see my mother one last time while she still had her mental capabilities. After I brought Mary to the hospital, she and my mother were able to spend half an hour together while the rest of us went for coffee.

When we got back to my mother’s hospital room, I noticed that my mother had gotten worse and was gasping for oxygen. At this point I felt that she might not last more than a day. So I immediately thanked my mother for two or three important things that she had done for me. She responded - as she struggled for oxygen - by thanking me specifically for having come over every Sunday. (At this point I truly realized how much my weekly visits meant to her.) I also told my mother that the reason that I had never married was that I had never met a wonderful woman like her.

Shortly after, my mother’s best friend, Mary, stated that my mother looked really tired and that she should go home to let my mother rest. My mother was able to say a few more words to Mary including “Don’t get what I got.” Mary’s last words to my mother were “See you later.” I would find out soon after from my sister that my mother whispered, “Oh no, you won’t.” But Mary didn’t hear these words.

Sadly, while I was driving Mary back to her apartment, my mother passed away. My sister, Elaine, and her husband, Lorne; my cousin, Jerry, and his wife, Lil; and the hospital chaplain, Blaine Allan, were there with her and said a prayer while she passed away. Surprisingly, my mother at eighty-five had her mental capabilities and even a great memory right until her last minutes, given that she was giving instructions to my sister about the funeral, including the dress she wanted to be wearing and how she wanted her head tilted just a bit in the coffin instead of straight up.

Later that morning, when my sister arrived, my mother told her, “I’m done.” My sister responded, “What are you talking about?” My mother replied, “I lost the stone from my family ring. It’s gone so that means that I am gone too.” My mother was so sweet and so strong during her last hours. Even the hospital staff talked about the deep affection they had developed for her during her short stay in the hospital.

As hard as my mother’s death was on me, there was something remarkably spiritual about it. There were also a few things for which I had to feel grateful. My mother did not have to suffer for a long time like so many people do in their later years. I was thankful that Elaine, Lorne, Jerry, Lil, and Blaine were there with her to say a prayer when she passed away. I also felt relieved that%u2008I had brought Mary to the hospital so that she and my mother got to spend half an hour together before my mother left us rather unexpectedly that day.

After I left the hospital that fateful afternoon, I felt blessed that I was able to see my mother her last day and thank her for at least two or three special things that she had done for me. But I was also terribly saddened that I did not get to give her a hundred more reasons why she had meant so much to me. So I wrote a letter to my mother, which follows this photo of her in her twenties:

Mothers Day Image

    February 8, 2007   

    Dear Mom:

    I am so saddened that you left us rather suddenly while knowing that in many ways it was the right thing for you to do. I am sorry that I was not there when you passed on but I know that you appreciate that I brought your best friend Mary to see you one last time and I know that Mary appreciated having the chance to see you one last time. Unfortunately, while I was driving Mary back to her home, you left us but Elaine, Lorne, Lil, Jerry, and Blaine were there with you.

    I will miss you. I hope that we meet in Heaven. I know that from the way you treated me and the way you treated others - and how much they held you in great esteem and admiration - that you have an outstanding chance of entering Heaven - far greater than me, that’s for sure. But I will remember the great things that people loved about you and try to instill as many of your great qualities in myself as I can from now on. Perhaps I will get into Heaven as easily as you.

    Because you left rather suddenly, there are so many things that I wanted to thank you for but didn’t get a chance. Here are just some of the things I wanted to thank you for:

    • Thank you for having stuck by my side so many times and gotten yourself in trouble with Dad when he thought I should be doing something else with my life.
    • Thank you for lending me the money to publish my first book although, as you said when I was paying you back, you thought you would never see the money again.
    • Thank you for making a prompt decision around eight years ago to sell your house and move into the St Andrew’s Retirement Complex - I know that your living in the apartment complex rather than continuing living isolated in the house added several years to your life - and of course joy in other people’s lives.
    • Thank you for still making the great cabbage rolls this last Christmas that you made all these years even though you had been quite ill just before the holidays.
    • Thank you for having taken care of your best friend Mary by buying groceries for her when she couldn’t make it out on her own due to her low energy level.
    • Thank you for having had the ability to always be so pleasant with everyone that you met.
    • Thank you for your appreciation of other people - I can’t recall your ever having said a bad word about anyone.

    I could go on forever about the things that I would like to thank you for, but I just want to wrap it up by saying I am somewhat mystified - but nevertheless proud of you - for being able to live to the age of eighty-five in generally good health and then make a fairly rapid exit from this planet without having to suffer like so many people do. Great work, Mom!

    But I am going to miss you a great deal. Not having the regular Sunday dinners as we have for so many years and not having someone special to phone every day or two are going to be hard on me.
    I promise to think of you as I live the rest of my life. I will give much thought every day about the types of things you would have wanted me to do and how you would have liked me to treat other people. I know that this will make me a much better person and I hope that I will have as many great people mourn my paspassing from this planet as will come to mourn yours.

    Thank you, Mom

    With all my love

    Ernie

I placed this letter under my mother’s arm in the coffin when members of my close family and I visited the funeral home to pay our respects the day before the funeral. The next day, after I read a copy of the letter as the eulogy during the funeral service conducted by Father Don Bodnar, a good friend of mine commented that this is the type of letter we should all write to our mothers while they are still living.

To be sure, you should thank your mother a lot for all that she means to you while she is still alive - not only with letters but also with thoughtful comments every time you see her. Clearly, your mother deserves much more than a card, flowers, or candy once a year on Mother’s Day. Why not send her a handwritten letter at least once a month? Start today because you never know when she may lose her life suddenly.

“All that I am or ever hope to be,” remarked Abraham Lincoln, “I owe to my angel Mother.” George Washington declared, “I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual, and physical education which I received from my mother.” Jewish people have a proverb about mothers that is even more eloquent: “God could not be everywhere and therefore He made mothers.”

Here are a few words from Washington Irving to remind us a little more about how important mothers are to us: “A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.”

I was fortunate that I saw my mother fifteen to twenty minutes before she passed away and was able to at least thank her for a few things. I am also blessed that I get to dedicate this book to her and will have her name live on at least in some small spiritual way due to me - and, of course, due to the great person that she was. You may not get these same opportunities. So again, thank your mother a lot while she is still alive - and not only on Mother’s Day. Trust me - you will deeply regret it later if you don’t.

    #1 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day  

    A little girl, asked where her home was, replied, “where mother is.”
    - Keith L. Brooks

    #2 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day

    Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall; A mother’s secret hope outlives them all.
    - Oliver Wendell Holmes

    #3 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day

    Most of all the other beautiful things in life come by twos and threes, by dozens and hundreds. Plenty of roses, stars, sunsets, rainbows, brothers and sisters, aunts and cousins, comrades and friends - but only one mother in the whole world.
    - Kate Douglas Wiggin

    #4 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day

    If I was damned of body and soul,
    I know whose prayers would make me whole,
    Mother o’ mine, O mother o’mine.
    - Rudyard Kipling

    #5 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day

    My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart so large that everybody’s joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation.
    - Mark Twain

    #6 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day

    No painter’s brush, nor poet’s pen
    In justice to her fame
    Has ever reached half high enough
    To write a mother’s name.
    - Author Unknown

    #7 Quote about Moms and Mothers for Mother’s Day

    No one in the world can take the place of your mother. Right or wrong, from her viewpoint you are always right. She may scold you for little things, but never for the big ones.
    - Harry Truman
     

 

NOTE: The above article is adapted from the chapter called Thank Your Mother a Lot While She Is Still Alive! in the book 101 Really Important Things You Already Know, But Keep Forgetting (Vipbooks)by Ernie Zelinski. The book is dedicated to Ernie’s mother Violet Zelinski (Waselyna Gordychuk) who passed away while Ernie was writing the latest edition of the book.

Following is a photo of Ernie’s mother Violet Zelinski (on right) with her best friend Mary Leshchyshyn:

Mothers Day Image of Violet Zelinski and Mary Leschyshyn

About the Author   

Ernie J. Zelinski is a leading authority on early retirement and solo-entrepreneurship. He is the author of the international bestseller How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free (Retirement Wisdom That You Won’t Get from Your Financial Advisor), which has sold over 90,000 copies sold and has been published in 7 foreign languages.

Ernie is also author of the unconventional Real Success Without a Real Job (The Career Book for People Too Smart to Work in Corporations). His latest work is 101 Really Important Things You Already Know, But Keep Forgetting.

Share This

Are Your Children Great Teachers?

Posted May 8, 2008 * Comments(0)

Children are great teachers, if you listen to them. When I am tired and stressed, I am a useless parent. If my younger daughter, Bethany, marches into the living room and accuses her older sister of hitting her, I will call Natasha into the room, shout at her and send her to her room. Later, I will go to see her, explain that I was tired and stressed, and listen to what she has to say. If she’s not too angry with me, she’ll tell me and we’ll reach understanding. If not, I just have to live with doing her another injustice.

But when I am not tired and stressed, we deal with Bethany’s accusations in a completely different way. I call Natasha into the room and ask her to tell Bethany why she hit her. It usually goes something like this:

Natasha: “You bit me!”

Bethany: (Looking sheepish at first, but then defiantly). But that was because you called me stupid!

Daddy: Is that true, Natasha?

Natasha: Yes - but she is stupid.

Daddy: I told you to never call her stupid. Why is she stupid this time?

Natasha: Because she is.

Daddy: (Exasperated) Bethany, why does Natasha think you are stupid?

Bethany: I’m not stupid - she’s just calling me that because she thinks I laughed at her drawing.

Natasha: (Talking to Bethany). That’s right - you laughed at my drawing! You made me feel stupid.

Bethany: I didn’t laugh at your drawing. I laughed at your face!

Natasha: And, then you called me stupid.

Daddy: Bethany, did you call her stupid?

Bethany: (Silence)

Daddy: Bethany?

Natasha: See! She’s always telling lies about me.

Bethany: I do not - you’re always bullying me.

Natasha: That’s because you are stupid.

Daddy: (Hands in air) Natasha! Stop that.

Natasha: See - you’re always taking her side!

Daddy: That’s not true.

Natasha: But you do. You always do.

Bethany: No he doesn’t!

Daddy: Is that what this is about? You think I am taking her side?

Natasha: (Silence)

Bethany: He doesn’t Tash. He sends me to my room sometimes too.

Natasha: (Moody silence).

Daddy: I’ve got one thing to say to you both.

Both: (Silence)

Daddy: (After a pause, and in a thick Yorkshire accent). I don’t like gravy….

Both: (Laughing)

Daddy: Come here….

(Hugs both children).

The reason little people (kids) are great teachers is that they are pretty useless at hiding their emotions (unless they have already suffered emotional trauma). They show how they feel and this makes it easier in a dispute to read what is going on. Adults, on the other hand, are practiced at “dramaturgical performances” - a phrase coined by Erving Goffman (1969) to describe the acting abilities of big people. A more recent phrase that is easier to understand is “deep acting”. Adults have had years more experience practising how to conceal their emotions (and had more time to grow afraid of expressing them). Their performances are much more convincing than a child’s but are not perfect enough to fool all people all of the time.

Another reason kids are great teachers is that they stay emotionally engaged with the person they are arguing with (at least in my house they do) and do not go off in a huff and refuse to speak to the other person. Adults, I find, withdraw quickly or go silent if someone questions their integrity or values. That makes it much harder to have a conversation like the one above and to trace what triggered feelings of hurt or rejection. Another way to look at this, however, is to consider the level of intimacy. We have intimate relationships with other family members, and this makes it easier to argue. With people we know less well, it is not possible to argue in the same way (at least, not until an intimate relationship has developed) so the style of disagreeing has to be more diplomatic and subtle.

We are often told that not behaving like children is a mark of maturity and “being civilised” but I want to suggest to you that the reverse is closer to the truth. Think back to the opening quote in Chapter 1 of Emotion, Sedcution and Intimacy (Ridley-Duff, 2007): “the meetings would get so violent that people almost went across the table at each other…People yelled…they waved their arms around and pounded on tables…faces would get red and veins bulged out.”

This was a description of the behaviour of top executives and technicians in one of the most ’successful’ companies of their generation resolving differences over business plans. There is, therefore, a view that “excellent” companies allowed for, and took advantage of, the most evolved part of our capabilities, namely “the emotional … side (good and bad) of human nature”. Good and bad! Or perhaps, calm and excited, quiet and loud, passive and assertive, reflective and activated.

What these executives have in common with my children is two things:

  • They are not frightened of their own emotions
  • They are not frightened of other people’s emotions

Both are signs of emotional maturity.

Natasha, our first child, was the first of her generation. For two years she was the centre of attention from parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and family friends. Then others in our family had children. Four years later we had our second child, Bethany. The day her younger sister came home from hospital, Natasha told us at the end of the day: “you can take her back now!” We sat down to explain that Bethany would be staying with us, and that the nurses at the hospital were only there to help with the birth.

Gradually, Natasha got less and less attention as the younger ones got more and more. While growing up helped, there are still times when she feels vulnerable because she does not get all the attention she used to have. Sometimes, instead of complaining to dad (Rory) or mum (Caroline) she takes her frustrations out on her younger sister. In her more secure moments, she admits this is because it is easier than getting angry with a grown up.

But Bethany, I found, is already a smart cookie herself. It was only when we were old enough to track back events that I realised just how selective Bethany is in truth telling. She does not lie so much as only tell part of the story. To her credit she is an honest soul - if challenged she admits the other side of a story. In our quieter moments, she tells me that the reason she does this is to compensate for being the youngest and smallest. In her words, “I can’t ever win”. Make a note of this - she is economical with the truth because others are all stronger and she can never win a physical fight. She can, however, sometimes win the verbal fights. If she catches us when we are tired or stressed, she can sometimes control her older/bigger sister.

The technique we use to resolve arguments owes a debt to Staying OK by Amy and Tom Harris, sequel to the bestseller I’m OK - You’re OK (Harris, 1970; Harris & Harris, 1986). It is a technique called ‘trackdown’ where you go back over the events that have fuelled an argument until you spot how it started. That way, you can deal with the root cause - emotional hurt caused by perceived exclusion - rather than superficial behaviour that constitutes a reaction to feeling hurt.

Adults, however, often refuse to engage in trackdown because they want to hide the emotions and thoughts that drive their behaviour. Sometimes, they may not even be aware of them (which is the value of using trackdown as a diagnostic tool). With Natasha and Bethany - as with most people, whether young or old - the root cause is almost always that one thinks another is getting favourable treatment. This triggers one to attack the other directly (hitting, shouting, verbally abusing) or indirectly (telling tales). In the workplace, physical violence normally results in an immediate sacking, verbally abusing could lead to being disciplined, this leaves tale telling as the principle way for work colleagues to discipline and control each other.

Now here is why children are as emotionally mature as the executives in the opening quotation. They find ways to express, then process, strong emotions while remaining emotionally close to the people with whom they are in dispute. During a decade or so of school, however, children are socialised to repress strong emotions and work in silence to make it easier for teachers to control them. The workplace has no need of such tight controls because workers are not in a one-way learning environment with a 30:1 ratio between teacher and learner. This makes school-like disciplines particularly ineffective. A much better approach is to bend and flex so that expressions of emotion are not only permitted, but point the way toward mutual understanding and the pleasures of making up after an argument. As Aronson (2003) reports, the most enjoyable and satisfying relationships, as reported by adult couples, also have higher levels of conflict.

If using this article, please mention the source as:Ridley-Duff, R. J. (2007), Emotion, Seduction and Intimacy, Bracknell: Men’s Hour Books, pp. 84-88.

Other References

Aronson, E (2003) The Social Animal, New York: Worth Publishers.

Goffman, E. (1969) The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life, Harmondsworth: Penguin.

Harris, T., Harris, A. (1986) Staying OK, London: PAN.

Harris, T. (1970) I’m OK - You’re OK, London: PAN.

Share This

Mediating Sexual Conflict

Posted May 8, 2008 * Comments(0)

For a person attempting to understand a conflict, the question that could start every investigation is “how is the accuser hurting?” or “why does the accuser feel a need to make an accusation?” It may be wise not to widen the scope of a dispute until the circumstances of the accusation are understood. To accuse, there must either be a moral principle at stake, an interest that has to be defended, or an anger than seeks an outlet. Initially before shifting focus to the accused, establish the balance between these three.

If possible, search back through events (Harris and Harris, 1986) with the accuser to trace any source of emotional hurt (remembering that it may come from somewhere else in the accuser’s life and is not necessarily the outcome of their relationship with the accused). If you cannot shed any light, start to involve the accused. Initially, you are still trying to understand the reason for the accusation from the point of view of the accuser, not the accused. If you bring the parties together, let the parties be emotional as it provides information. Avoid taking sides: the objective is not blame. The objective is to stimulate dialogue so that you, and they, can understand the source of emotional hurt and shed light on the hidden dynamics of the conflict.

If you find yourself displaying emotions, consider how the outcome of the dispute affects your own interests. Does your emotionality betray a desire for a closer relationship with one party? Is one party particularly important to achieving your own personal (or organisational) goals and objectives? Talk to someone outside the dispute about your own emotions to shed some light on them. No-one is completely impartial and you may still be the best person to mediate.

If it is a gender dispute, remember that most men want close relationships with women more than with other men, and women want close relationships with men more than other women (except for lesbian and gay women and men). “The other” is often perceived as the source of emotional hurt but this does not necessarily mean it is true. Hurt is a reflection of our own desire, our own sense of loss. We hurt most when we cannot fulfil our desires (and the bigger the gap between our desires and reality, the greater our hurt). Find out, if possible, what event changed the relationship. What did each party say to the other? Could it be an outcome of changes outside work?

If somebody is deeply distressed, establish if it comes from a sense of loss, remembering always there is a 60% chance in the case of a woman, and possibly also in the case of men, that they will not divulge their sexual feelings (McDowell, 1985; India Today, 2003). Talk carefully. On a one-to-one basis, ask them to describe the relationship from the beginning. This will give you a sense of how the relationship evolved and changed.

Support people through loss. If no loss is found, find out why people feel violated. Does the person need protection? If not, then mediate as soon as possible. If yes, then seek professional advice.

Both women and men hurt - it is not women’s or men’s problem alone and is best resolved together. Men fear showing their feelings, not always because they are ashamed, but because experience has taught them that expressing feelings will lose them the respect of the woman (or women) they currently want to love them, or their male friends and colleagues. Women and men teach men this by calling them “losers”, “wimps” or “sissy” whenever they show feelings that reveal their vulnerability. Men and women, on the other hand, teach women to be submissive’ by rushing to comfort them when they become distressed. The more beautiful the woman, the quicker people will seek to help. Bear in mind that these responses are fairly automatic internalised during childhood/adolescence (in much the same way as Pavlov and his dogs). They are continually reinforced during courtship and through films, TV programmes, magazines, books and stories (Farrell, 1986).

They can also be unlearnt (see Berne, 1963; Holland, 1999). Gendered responses are not a good indicator of who is being truthful and who is truly hurting. Women may cry to avoid having to talk. Men may cry, but are more likely due to cultural conditioning to become angry as a way to get (or deflect) attention. Both crying and anger may be genuine or affected responses. They may be honest or a “performance” to win hearts and minds.

When we know that women are no more likely to be physically harmed in personal relationships than men (Fiebert, 2005), our attitude to both men and women changes. When we know that men’s feelings are hurt as much as women’s (Pease and Pease, 2004), but they do not show this, our attitude changes again. When we understand that women are more creative and convincing liars (because they cannot resort so readily to physical force to win their fights), and that men are less good at hiding their lies (because they are punished more readily and frequently for lying during childhood) our attitude changes even more (O’Connell, 1998; Pease and Pease, 2003). We start to understand that men need as much protection from tale telling as women need from physical violence or rape (Farrell, 2000).

Women who understand men are no more inherently violent than themselves will no longer feel a need for special protection. Although they will continue to fear violence from men more than from women, they will begin to understand this is the response of any person who desires to be with them, but cannot be so. Men who start to understand that women are as violent as themselves will no longer feel such a need to give them special protection. If they do, they will come to understand this as a product of their desire to be a hero to the women who watch them, and part of their own need to win approval from them.

The Case for Mediation

Mediation offers a solution that is consistent with the values and goals of both democracy and gender equality. It affords protection to all parties regardless of status, ethnicity or gender. Critics of mediation (or “restorative justice” as it is called in criminology) worry that mediation simply gives the perpetrator another opportunity to intimidate the victim. At the start of a dispute, however, it is not clear who is perpetrator and who is victim. The apparent victim may be the perpetrator - it is the mediation process that helps to determine this (Roche, 2003).

Mediation is hard work: it may involve participants coming to terms with deeply held prejudices, or face up to the full impact of their behaviour on others. But it also gives them a chance to explain their intent and for others to learn why they responded in a particular way. The process may not be quick or easy. The alternative, however, is a workplace culture and society generally that pays lip service to fairness and equality but takes refuge in defensive approaches to conflict.

To support change, build the process of mediation into employment and trading contracts so that investors and entrepreneurs, employers and employees, customers and suppliers, face penalties under the law for authoritarian approaches to conflict resolution. These laws are the ones we can create for ourselves, for our own organisations. They are not imposed by government statute. Consequently, no acts of parliament need to be passed for these laws to come into effect: they can be brought about by changes in management understanding and practice.

This way, existing laws will stop favouring the party who unilaterally withdraws and start favouring those committed to reconciliation. The laws will start to reward compassion and tolerance. Individual businesses taking initiatives to switch to mediation as a tool of social control will be entrenching democratic values without ever having to involve a politician! What greater incentive do you need?

If reprinting this article, please include the following citation:

Based on Ridley-Duff, R. J. (2007) Emotion, Seduction and Intimacy: Alternative Perspectives on Organisation Behaviour, Bracknell: Men’s Hour Books, pp. 228-232.

References

Berne, E. (1964) Games People Play, Penguin.

Farrell, W. (1986) Why Men Are The Way They Are, London, Bantam Books, Chapters 2 - 6.

Farrell, W. (2000) Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say, New York, Tarcher/Putnam.

Fiebert, M. (2007) References Examining Assaults by Women on their Spouses or Male Partners: An Annotated Bibliography, California State University. http://www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm

Harris, T., Harris, A. (1986) Staying OK, London: PAN.

Holland, R. (1999), “Reflexivity”, Human Relations, 52(4): 463-484.

India Today (2003) Sex and the Indian Woman, September Cover Story.

McDowell, P. (1985) “False Allegations”, Forensic Science Digest, 11(4): 64.

O’Connell, S. (1998) An Investigation into How We Learn to Love and Lie, Doubleday.

Pease, A., Pease, B. (2003) Why Men Lie and Women Cry, Orion.

Pease, A., Pease, B. (2004), The Definitive Book of Body Language, Orion.

Roche, D. (2003) “Gluttons for restorative justice”, Economy and Society, 32(4): 630-644.

Share This

Are The Laws Against Polygamy Religious Persecution?

Posted April 26, 2008 * Comments(0)

Once again a religious retreat has been raided by the U.S. Government. Over 400 children taken from their family and placed in a stranger’s house.

The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is an organized religion. It has its roots in the Mormon Church. Much the same as the Episcopalian Church has its roots in the Catholic Church.

The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a doctrine which allows men to take several wife’s. The Muslim religion also has this feature.

Not everyone wants to practice this type of religion. I for one do not agree that a man should have more than one wife. Nor do I agree that a person should marry more than once. But the fact remains that I cannot impose my morals and beliefs on my neighbors. Many of my neighbors have married and divorced 3, 4, even 5 times. This is something I view as an American version of polygamy.

Our Constitution guarantees us the right to religious freedom. The first amendment reads in part: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;…” What happened to the part about “prohibiting the free exercise thereof”?

I also take issue with the words used to report this incident. Children being sent to bed without supper is the same as children being deprived of food. Children being left in isolation is the same as children being placed in a time out box. A religious retreat is the same as a religious compound. Sect, Cult and Religion all describe the same thing. A man with a gun can be a “terrorist” or a “freedom fighter“, just depends on what side of the fence you are on.

The authorities have now disrupted forever the lives of 400 plus children. These are children that for the rest of their lives will remember the U. S. Government as the force that took them from their family. The force that placed them in a stranger’s house (yes house not home). These are 400 plus citizen that will always feel a resentment towards the government.

As for the raid justification? Authorities say a phone call to a women’s shelter from the wife of one of the men led the court to issue a search warrant, even though it was reported she recanted in a later phone call. Could this be just a disagreement between husband and wife? However, and something very important to remember, is that the caller cannot be found. Is this just a ploy by our government to justify their interference into the lives of law abiding citizens that practice a different religion?

Media reports indicate the wife was threatened by hell fire and eternal damnation if she left the family. Is this the same hell fire and eternal damnation that befalls Church of Christ members that stray from the Church teachings? Same goes for the Baptists, Catholics and most religions.

In my part of the world, here in Texas, a lot of children go to bed hungry. A lot of children have no clothes to wear for school. Some children have a prostitute for a mother. Some children have no father, or if they do have one he is a drug addict. UNCLE SAM WHERE ARE YOU. THE CHILDREN OF THIS COUNTRY NEED YOU. Why then does the government not take those children and put them in safe foster homes? Those children are in much more danger than those at the religious retreat.

Instead of persecuting those that have a different religion, how about lending those resources to the ones that really need them.

Share This

Shot Gun Weddings, Top Five Reasons to Have One

Posted March 22, 2008 * Comments(0)

In the old days… a Shot Gun Wedding, was usually a wedding that was whipped together in less than a month… If a bride was pregnant, the wedding would be done and over with before anyone knew, and the father of the bride would keep a keen eye on the groom to make sure he did not escape!.

Wow! times have changed. But, if you are looking to save money on your own wedding, not giving yourself a lot of time, will actually force you to keep a lower budget.

If you have been engaged for a while, and you just have not got around to setting the date, you could either elope and save money on a wedding, or you could plan a quick wedding, that in actual fact could be the best wedding you have ever been a part of. Here are five good reasons to try it.

1) You won’t be stressing about a dress, because you will have to find a ready made one, or borrow one.

2) You won’t be trying to get rid of that 10 pounds, because there won’t be time, and you will not have to go through the dieting and misery of starving yourself to look great on your special day. No wonder some brides look like they are going to faint!

3) You will have to find a restaurant that will cater to your small wedding reception, or have it at your place. This will be the deciding factor in how many people will be invited.

4) Invitations will either be store ready, home made or phone calls only!.

5) You can get some great last minute deals on honeymoon packages.

Have you ever had a spare of the moment party or gathering that was very memorable, compared to parties that you agonized over for weeks that just caused you stress and were over before you knew it?..

Sometimes if you have too much time to plan a wedding, then they get more and more detailed, and the more details you have to worry about, the more stress it causes until finally you are almost in tears and lose sight of why you were getting married in the first place! You do not need to go deep in debt to have a nice wedding. You do not want to be paying for one day for decades to come. You should feel great, happy, and have a good time.

It is your special day, you are the one in control… enjoy it! save big bucks on a wedding and have fun

Share This

— Next Page »

Close
E-mail It